Weekend

Saturday and Sunday were spent thinking of how am I going to tell people that I have lost my job. The official version is that I have resigned, but under some questioning that doesn’t hold for much long. So I have pampered this version saying that if I hadn’t resigned they would have dismissed me. Which brings me to the same place.

Being with my wife and kids without my thoughts going to my work was good, I could feel that I was devoting myself more to the role. At least that guilt was being taken care of. And at the same time I was avoiding the subject, something within me almost made me talk about it with everyone I have met. So angst is a good word to summon this up.

Day three

I have arrived to the office in the morning, the documents were still badly drafted but I have signed them, and we’ve been through the computer files, as I took some personal files and pictures. Also I have sent a message agreed with the big boss to our greatest (and almost sole) supplier. The word is on the streets.

Before the office I have been to some kind of a guru. Being skeptical as I am, it is clear that I was pretty desperate. Theoretically he balances my energies, but to me it turns out as therapy, as I talk, cry, and tell things that normally I don’t tell other people. At the end it has some value, but I always leave thinking I won’t return. But I do.

After the office, where I still left my books, I had lunch with my brother. It is always a breath of fresh air, being close to him, talking to him. But sadness had already filled that void. Into that process I have promised myself I won’t think about work, or what will I do with my life from now on, for at least 4 weeks, in which I’ll jog, surf, take care of my kids, of my house, of my wife. And doing that, take care of myself. It would be foolish to believe I would not think about work or my future, but I am treating those thoughts as they were bad thoughts: when they come I try to make them go away by thinking of something else. This blog should be a good way to go through this period, but at the same time it brings back the things I am trying to avoid.

And to finish the day I have updated my Linkedin status as “Shipping professional at Garden Leave”. Now it is public. And now I start to deal with my pride and my shame.

Day two

Empty is the word that better describes it. Not sadness, sadness was lurking on a corner, just waiting for a chance to settle in. And the void was just ready for it.

I was supposed to return yesterday to start picking up my stuff, but I couldn't bother to hurry, and spent my time shopping groceries. At the end of the day, groceries had to be bought, and now anything work related could wait. What would they do, sack me?

I ended up staying at home, pretending to myself I was doing something, and got downtown a bit before six. I had scheduled about five, and big boss called me asking if I was going or not, but I didn't care.

Got a huge trunk, did some sorting with the big boss of what was mine and what was the from the company, had to "fight" for some cards and some notes, a lot of stuff went straight to the bin, and I left with a huge bag full of paper and personal effects, as well as a big plastic box. Funny how personal effects sounds as I was going out of jail, could be a sign. My books were left behind to be picked up later, and I had to agree to return the following day to sign some papers that those clowns were not able to draft or print properly, and return the Ipad. I will miss the Ipad, but at least I managed to keep the Iphone. 

Some sadness struck me when I noticed that the office had become a part of my house: apart from the books I had medicine, socks, ties, a blazer, my personal finance, a whole lot of stuff that made that moment more difficult. But that is past now.

When disconnected from the company email, I've lost a huge bunch of contacts too. Fuck them, I still have the cards, and if necessary I'll make the connections again. Anger has settled in. Wife has felt the anger, and I said: what did you expect? Well, it wasn't that empty then. 

Everything has to start somewhere, or somehow.

My first idea before even writing is that I have to review this post. That says a lot about me already. Also I don't speak English as my native tongue, which makes revision even more important. I am turning 45 soon, wife and kids, and just lost my job. This blog is, at the moment, more therapy than advice, but who knows what can come out of this! Maybe nothing, maybe just a journal. I have no idea how blogging works, both as the tool or at the writing level, and in fact I am writing before trying to find that out.
I have received the news today about 09:30 in the morning. I still don't feel like shit, but I am amlost sure that will strike me at some point. My whole plan by now is sleep without an alarm, surf, and go get my stuff in the office. Anything else should be in another post.
And revision seems to me more important than ever!